Content Warning: This article discusses sensitive topics related to child anxiety and family dynamics. If you or someone you know is struggling with these issues, please seek professional help.

Additionally, while the article provides helpful information and expert insights, it’s important to remember that every child and family situation is unique. If you have specific concerns about your child’s anxiety or family dynamics, it’s always best to consult with a child psychologist, therapist, or other qualified mental health professional.

This is one of those chicken and egg type questions; which comes first? The truth is that family dynamics both shape and are shaped by children’s behavior. For example, a parent may have ideas about infant sleep before their child is born. They may be sure that they’re going to use a strict schedule and that their baby will sleep in a separate nursery but if they find that their baby is very fussy and wakes often, they may end up having the baby in their room where it’s easier to sooth the baby back to sleep. 

This is particularly apparent when children are anxious. Anxious children make their needs known by fussing, whining, crying or even melting down. Parents naturally start trying to help their child by avoiding those things that upset the child. If their child is afraid of dogs, the parents might start avoiding the playground that’s next to a dog park. But if the family is always avoiding dogs then children don’t learn how to behave around dogs, they don’t learn that most dogs are friendly, and the parents and the child start thinking of that child is fragile and unable to handle dogs.

This is no one’s fault! Non anxious children — children who aren’t naturally predisposed to anxiety — can handle some avoidance and eventually push through it. But anxious children get stuck in the avoidance and so do their families.

We know, too, that anxiety can cause poor self esteem in kids. If a child thinks of themselves as not capable, that becomes part of their self concept, which makes them less likely to face their fears and learn to cope with the big feelings that come with anxiety. Plus anxiety causes family conflict. Often one parent has an idea about how to handle the child’s anxiety and the other parent has another idea and this disagreement can be hard on both parents and kids. The child may begin to feel responsible for the family’s negative functioning, which exacerbates their feelings of failure and being a problem for the family. 

These family patterns of anxiety are clear in the research literature. In fact, studies say that 94 to 99% of families with anxious children and teens are trapped in these cycles! Once parents can identify them, they can start avoiding the avoidance and make a plan to help their child face their anxiety and learn that they are strong, brave, and capable but it takes work and planning. 

Parenting anxious children can feel counterintuitive because, again, non-anxious children don’t get stuck in those patterns. Giving them some space when they’re overwhelmed by anxiety may be just the break they need but anxious kids need their parents to push them more.

Let’s go back to that family who’s avoiding the playground next to the dog park. Instead of avoiding that playground, the family needs to show up anyway and expect the child to struggle. Tears and even tantrums do not necessarily mean that the child is unable to face their fear. Instead the family might create a plan to have the child edge towards the park like telling the child that they can sit in the car this time but next time they will go as far as the drinking fountain. And then the time after that, all the way to the slide. Each step the child makes towards doing the thing that scares them — no matter how small — is cause for celebration and high fives! Creating a plan with small, manageable steps for both the child and the parent (because the child’s anxious tears can feel overwhelming to families, too) allows everyone to see that the child can overcome their fears with support.

Contributed by Dawn Friedman, Parent Educator and Owner at Child Anxiety Support

Share Your Insights

We’d love to hear your thoughts on this important topic! Share your experiences and insights in the comments below.

• How do you approach handling your child’s fears?
• Have you noticed patterns of avoidance in your family?
• What strategies have helped you support your anxious child?

---

Welcome to our brand-new series at Spotlyts dedicated to family, children, and relationships! This is the beginning of a continuous spotlight on the core of what binds us together—our loved ones. We’ll go further into the potent dynamics of human connection, covering everything from the nourishing ties we have with our families to the joys and challenges of having and rearing kids to the enduring friendships and partnerships that influence our lives.

We invite you to join us as we take on this ongoing exploration and reflect on the many ways our relationships shape and transform us. Stay tuned for more!

---

DISCLAIMER: Spotlyts Magazine does not provide any form of professional advice. All content is for informational purposes only, and the views expressed are those of individual contributors and may not reflect the official position of Spotlyts Magazine. While we strive for accuracy and follow editorial standards, we make no guarantees regarding the completeness or reliability of the content. Readers are encouraged to conduct their own research and seek professional assistance tailored to their specific needs. Any links included are for reference only, and Spotlyts Magazine is not responsible for the content or availability of external sites. For more details, please visit our full Disclaimer, Privacy Policy, and Terms of Service.

Highlight of the Day

“With great power comes great responsibility.”

— Uncle Ben, Spider-Man

More Stories for You

Related